Business as usual
by idioticonion
Summary: Ted finds fault with Marshall/Lily and Barney/Robin's account of what happened and the spotlight turns on... guess who? Crack!fic based on ideas from the stories Fight It and Mother's day. Spoilers for 5.04 The Sexless Inkeeper


**Business as Usual**

The next day, the four of them were in their regular booth at MacLaren's catching Ted up with recent events. As their story unfolded, Ted began to look more and more incredulous, and when they got to the part where Barney and Robin were waiting for Lily and Marshall in the rain with an egg timer Ted finally stopped them.

"Okay!" He said, loudly and explosively. "Time out!" He was staring at Barney.

"What?" Lily asked him.

"None of you see a problem with this story?"

Lily glanced over at her husband and Marshall shook his head. Robin shrugged and Ted was still glaring at Barney.

"Seriously, NONE of you see even the slightest bit of a problem. All the way through that, you ALL acted perfectly rationally?" Ted's gaze swept across the four of them.

They all nodded.

"Lily - you really act like that? Ever? Marshall, you're that much of an hysterical idiot?" He added quickly, "Outside of someone questioning Han and Chewie's bromance, of course?"

Robin shrugged. "What are you getting at, eh?"

Ted made a strangled sound of frustration. "And YOU two?" He waved at Barney and Robin, "You guys are that desperate for brunch and antiquing that you'd wallow for two days with ice cream and pizza?"

Barney frowned a little, but otherwise the rest of them looked pretty nonplussed.

Ted took a deep breath. "Okay, some of that I could accept. Maybe Marshall and Lil have been a little lonely since they moved to Shitsville," Lily tried to protest but Ted waved her off. He was angry now. "SOME of it. Maybe. But there is no way. No. Way. There is NEVER a way that Barney Stinson would stand out IN THE RAIN. And NOT complain about ruining his suit."

Barney gaped.

Robin dropped her beer on to the table where it toppled over, spilling it's contents over the surface to drip onto the floor below.

Lily shifted uncomfortably.

Marshall frowned. "Oh MAN. Now that you point that out…"

Ted nodded. "There's only one explanation for any of it."

In unison, all five of them turned towards the bar and shouted out: "DOUG!"

*--*--*

The be-wigged bartender was sitting on the bitch chair, hanging his head and Ted laid into him.

"Dude, what did we tell you last time you did this."

"That-I've-got-to-stop-interfering with you guy's lives…" Doug parroted.

"And there's me thinking that all alien life's gotta be more intelligent," Marshall said, despondently.

"But WHY, Doug? It doesn't even make any sense! You're a complete idiot!" Ted continued to berate him. "Just because you're an alien with mind-altering ret-con ability, doesn't give you the right to keep changing things and screwing with us."

Doug studied his fingers. "I was scared," he admitted.

"WHAT?" Ted said. "Of Marshall? Cos he promised not to lay you out again."

"No!" The burly bartender replied, his fake-human face grimacing. "I was scared that if Marshall and Lily found another couple to hang out with, you guys would stop coming to the bar." He sighed, looking at them earnestly. "You guys are the only ones on earth that know my secret and accept me for who I am."

Barney glared at him. "And for THAT, you ruined my suit?" Robin had to hold him down; his knuckles were visibly whitening. "Freakin' aliens!" Barney muttered. "That was a good suit! A great suit."

Robin rolled her eyes indulgently.

Then Barney's attitude changed and he sat up eagerly. "So does this explain why I've been so pussy-whipped lately? All this hand holding and brunch-ing and staring-into-her-eyes…ing?"

Doug raised his prosthetic eyebrows. "No man. That was all you."

"Crap," Barney said dejectedly.

"It must be love," Lily said with a happy smile.

Robin flicked the pool of spilled beer at Lily so that a few drops speckled her dress.

"This is more like it," Ted said, nodding. "Business as usual."

Doug got to his feet with a smile. "Free beer?"

"You betcha!" Marshall grinned.

Humans! Doug thought. So easily pleased.


End file.
